VacationERs
by The Nurse 0495
Summary: Romano takes the doctors on vacation for a little bonding fun.
1. Chapter the first: The Road Trip

**VacationERs: By Mandi**

Summery: Romano takes the crew to England for some bonding time. Funny stuff happens. 

READ…………….IMPORTANT……………..STOP……………READ………..

Disclaimer: I hate disclaimers. They spoil all my fun. I like to _pretend _that ER is mine, and it all seems real until I have to write this. *sigh*

Archive: Sure, but email me first

Rating: PG

Spoilers: if you haven't seen the show 'chaos theory' then don't read chapter two. It just has to do with Romano…if you've seen it, you know what I mean. That was a graphic episode, wasn't it? So scary. It was in my nightmares for a week. J 

A/N: My attempt at humor. It will probably make you cry instead. Or be angered. But, don't do the drastic and throw your computer out the window. I can't replace it. 

Please READ and REVIEW!!!

P.S I love Tic-Tacs. And they are owned by whoever invented them. Which is not me. If it was, I would have bought the rights to ER a long time ago. Carter would be gone, and Abby and Luka would still be together. Lubies rock! 

**Trip one of the VacationERs.**

**London****, ****England******

**Chapter the First**

"We are going on a road trip." Dr. Romano announced to County General's finest doctors and nurse. 

Groans were heard throughout the crowd. 

Carter: You made us all come here at _5:30__ in the morning to tell us that? _

Romano: That's it, keep up the positive attitude. You misfits should do this. It's _broadening._

Abby: Sounds like torture, being stuck with all of these people. We see enough of each other at work, and – 

Romano: Let me rephrase. You have to do it. If you don't, you're fired.

Gallant: Haha you can't fire me!

Abby: Or me!

Gallant: I guess we'll just be leaving then, unless we have a reason to stay…

Susan: Where are we going?

Romano: Well, I took into account all of you're backgrounds and personalities, and decided we're going to spend a fun filled week in …London!

Susan: Ontario? We get to go to _Canada? _

Romano: England.

Crowd: Cool!

Elizabeth: Bloody hell. This can't be happening.

Gallant looks impressed. Abby doesn't.  

Susan: Come on Abby, the girls club can't do anything without you! We're totally dependant on you. If you're busy, I just whine until you come. We're incapable to have any fun without you, because you're just so much fun.

Deb: I hear the beer is good.

Abby: Okay, I'm in.

Romano: Okay, now we're taking a bus. Listen for your name and bus partner.

Pratt: Partner?

Elizabeth: Great, I know where this is going.

Mandi: How?

Elizabeth: I've spent enough time reading these fan fictions to know what's coming. Romano and I can't even be in the same story without having something like this happening.

Mandi: I see.

Romano: Abby, Susan, Carter, Luka, Deb, Gallant, Pratt, Window, and that leaves me and Lizzie. Now move it! We have to go to England!

*Suddenly, out of nowhere appears a huge, shiny…yellow schoolbus.*

Susan: EW! 

Romano: Ahh, it's the method of transportation!

Deb: Cough!

Carter: Hack!

Gallant: Gag!

Romano: It's the smell of a road trip!

Abby: It smells like a schoolbus!

Romano: Exactly. Now get in before the traumas come – 

Connie: We have GSW to the shoulder, ETA five minutes, can you take it?

Abby: Comprend pas. Parlez vous ces't anglais? L'emmergency? Qui? 

Connie: Uh, ok? 

Abby: Qui

Romano: Move it people!

Abby: Ces't l'autobus est stupide! 

Romano: Thank you for being supportive, Abby

*The doctors board the bus. It is gross.*

Gallant: I want the backseat!

Abby: Nuh uh, I already dibbed it!

Gallant: you didn't!

Abby: Did so. You probably don't even know how dibsies work!

Carter: Too bad. I call it now

Abby: Shutup Carter

Carter: Okay. Please don't hurt me

Pratt: Dude, you have an abusive girlfriend

Abby: Shutup, Pratt

Pratt: okay

Deb: *sitting at the backseat* Ha-ha! I got the backseat! 

Gallant: Yea! *he high-fives Deb*

Romano: Will you losers just sit down?

Carter: I want a window seat

Luka: No way. It's mine.

Carter: Pwease? I'll be your best friend

Luka: No

Carter: Drat. That always worked on Abby.

Luka: I'm European, Carter. Do you really think I'd fall for that?

Carter: No sir, sorry sir

Luka: Right.

Susan: Abby, can I have the window seat?

Abby: It depends. Did you call it?

Susan: Yep

Abby: Okay. Can't win over that.

Pratt: So, Window, how's it hanging?

Window: …

Pratt: Just so you know, I'm the best doctor here.

Window: …

Pratt: So you think you're a wise guy, huh? 

Window: …

Pratt: You think you can fight?

Window: …

Pratt: C'mere!

Romano: So, Lizzie, have you ever thought about dating again?

Elizabeth: Beg your pardon?

Romano: Well, now that Mark is in the Greene grass, you're free

Elizabeth: I dunno. 

Romano: He'd want you to move on

Elizabeth: I know

Romano: So what's the problem?

Elizabeth: I just don't think I can date another man again

Romano: Of course you can

Elizabeth: No really, not another _man. Not another one. No more Marks! Stop the Madness! I suffered through seasons of a relationship that might only beat the Carby one_

Abby: I second that

*Somebody's voice comes over the loudspeaker*

Gus: Hello. I am Gus. I drive this bus.

Crowd: Hi Gus!

Gus: Where to?

Crowd: England!

Gus: Okay!

*Gus looks out at the crowd. In the front, a woman with flaming hair is passing out buttons that say 'Writers! Do the Wright thing and Stop the Mark Madness! Stop the M.M!' The man beside her was helping helpfully. A few seats down, a blond haired lady had her head stuck out the window, while the darker haired one was moping. Across from them, a doctor with an attitude was punching the window. Two doctors in the backseat were discussing something from a fashion magazine. The last doctors were having a heated argument about somebody named Abby.*

Romano: England, here we come!

A/N: Alrightee, I think I've gone quite mad. Read and Review, because the sugar is not going to wear out for a little while and I'm in a typin' mood.  

**Take the two step program:**

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**2. Review**

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** Go on. You know you want to.**

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**Press the pretty Button**

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**When you press the button, a penguin will be fed some dog food**

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**Pwease?**

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***Big puppy dog eyes***

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**It gets better. I swear. **

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**No really. Would I lie?**

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**Don't answer that.**

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**By hitting this button, you are saying 'wow I like this fic.' OR 'this is the worst thing in the world.' Tell me. Tell me how good or bad it is. I dare you.**

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**I dare you.**

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**Yes you**

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**I still dare you.**

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**Are you chicken?**

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**Thought not.**


	2. Chapter the Second: The Bus

**Chapter the Second**

Buses are crappy. Go figure. The bus alone was bad enough. But when Pratt started singing one million bottles of beer in the wall, it was hell. 

Pratt: One million bottles of beer on the wall, one million bottles of beer!

Abby: Oh my God, I want a beer.

Susan: No Abby, stay strong. We can't have you drunk before we go out!

Pratt: Nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of beer!

Deb: Shut up!

Gallant: I can't study when your singing is so bad.

Luka: God, make it stop!

Mandi: Okay

Pratt: MUMMPK

His mouth has been taped shut.

Carter: Who are you?

Mandi: I am God

Carter: Cool! Can you grant wishes?

Mandi: I'm God, not some stupid genie!

Lightning comes from the sky, and hits Carter.

Gallant: You killed Carter!

Luka: Can I have a puppy?

Mandi: Sure

Instantly, a little puppy appears. Luka names it Puppy. He is so creative.

Mandi: Anybody else want something?

Abby: Can I have a beer?

Mandi: No, I'm going to try and keep this PG rated.

Abby: Uh, okay, can I have some 'water'? 

Mandi: No. You can have root beer.

A crate of root beer appears. Susan and Abby pounce on it. 

Mandi: Anybody else?

Romano: Now that you mention it…could I have a Bionic Arm? With Jets? And Flames? And a cattle prod?

Mandi: Sure. Just don't burn anybody.

Romano: I can't promise that.

Romano's arm turns to one that looks like it came from the year 4000.

Romano: I like it! Hey, back to work, cow! 

He stabs Pratt with the cattle prod.

Mandi: Okay, the reader is surely getting bored by now. So, stop acting like such idiots and do as I tell you to. I'm looking at you, Carter. Don't make me erase your name from this plot.

Susan: There's a plot here? Because you sure wouldn't know it.

Mandi: Don't make me curse you.

Susan: God doesn't curse people.

Abby: I think I was cursed. What's up with my story line? Why do I always act so stuck up? I was good until season seven.

Luka: You were never good in season seven. Or six.

Mandi: I'd like to see you do a better job with this writing, Ms. Susan 'I'm incapable of hanging onto a boyfriend for more than 1o minutes and got through med school by paying the teachers' Lewis

Susan: I could. I have a good idea where the Queen of England – 

Elizabeth: Me?

Susan: No, the other one. Anyway, she needs a replacement, and I'm there and – 

Mandi: Save it for Hollywood.

Susan: But Queen Susan sounds so nice.

Mandi: Fine

Queen Susan: Oh cool.

Mandi: If the reader hasn't fallen asleep now, we should get back to the story line.

Deb: Wait! First, change my name to Jing-Mei! It's my real name!

Mandi: Nuh-uh

Deb: Yes

Mandi: No

Deb: Yes

Mandi: No way

Deb: Yes way

Jing-Mei: Yes way-oh

Mandi: There you go, Deb

Deb: Hey!

Jing-Mei: leave it alone!

Deb: Stop!

Jing-Mei: I hate you, God

Mandi: I'm not God. I lied. I'm the drug police.

Carter: Oh…I swear to God- 

Mandi: Mandi

Carter: I swear to Mandi that I didn't find the needle It.Found.Me. And these aren't pills, they're tictacs! 

Luka: Same thing. They both kill

Abby: Really?

Luka: Have you ever tasted a tictac? 

Mandi: You've been warned, Carter. You are gone from this plot. Be gone. I call upon my mighty eraser to erase your name. Buhbye.

Elizabeth: Abby, shouldn't you say something?

Abby: Why? Oh, right, the boyfriend thing. Oh, please don't take Smarter away from me!

Elizabeth: Carter

Abby: Who?

Mandi: All of Carters lines go to Luka, the next male leader

Luka: Explain.

Mandi: Dr. Ross moved away, Dr. Greene is dead (sob), Dr. Carter has been erased. That leaves you, Pratt, Gallant or Romano. For obvious reasons, I choose you.

Gallant: Well, whatever. Excuse me, but I'm leaving I have to study for med school.

Mandi: You can't leave, because I'm not the drug police, I'm the organizer of the popular fan club, We Love Gallant And Think That He Rocks Club. W.L.G.A.T.T.H.R.C for short.

Gallant: Really?

Elizabeth (bored out of her mind): Oh wow, look at the time. I think I hear Big Ben calling me. 

Mandi: Not yet.

Elizabeth: Oh

_Clock Ringing_

Mandi: There you go. Now be off, and no more stupidity.

Romano: Whatever you say, God. Hey Pratt, move it! We have to go to Lizzie's house.

Elizabeth: WHAT?

*********

Bad, huh? So tell me. Tell me it was the worst ever. Or the best. Whatever. Just Read and Review!


	3. Chapter the Third: The Mansion

**Chapter the Third**

Let me refresh you: The crew of ER went to London and acted like idiots. Now they're at Elizabeth's parent's house. Okay? Okay.

The bus pulls up at a huge mansion with beautiful gardens and an English Collie dog sitting at the steps, the whelp of the dog who was cousin to the dog that was brother to the dog that was uncle of the dog's sister who was the mother of the dog who sired Lassie. 

The crew of County is practically trampling the bus driver in their efforts to get out. Of course, they are all following Luka, the head of the world, now that Carter was mysteriously erased from the plot. 

Luka: Humph. Gamma's house is way bigger.

Abby helps Queen Susan out. Queen Susan is a little tipsy.

Queen Susan: I swear to drunk, I'm not God!

Mandi: You're right. I am

Queen Susan:  You took Larder! How dare you! *she falls.* When I get up, you are so going down!

Abby: Who knew somebody could get so drunk on root beer? 

Queen Susan: I'm not drunk, I'm uh, what's that word…drunk?

Abby give the famous eye roll. 

Luka: I said, Gamma's house is bigger!

Pratt: We heard you. We don't care. Nobody cares. We stopped caring in season eight. 

Luka: Hey, you listen here – 

Mandi: Read the script

Luka: *holding up an 800 page script* I mean, uh, no you didn't. We all care. For each other. When the job is too big for one of us, we rely on our friends to help us. If you can't trust people, you may as well be a superhero.

Pratt: I am.

Jing-Mei: You're _my hero_

Luka: I can't carry this around. Why is this script so big?

Mandi: hello? This is _Carter's script. He is the hero of the ER._

Pratt: No he's not

Mandi: According to TPTB and about half a million women, yes he is

Pratt: No

Luka: Can't I just be me? I had less screen time! My script was smaller. 

Mandi: Nah. 

Luka: Okay, you win. 

Pratt: I'm a super hero

Gallant: That's nice.

Pratt: Will you change my name? To Super Doc, the coolest dawg in the dang country? Or, no, actually, to Super Pratt, the coolest cat?

Mandi: No, you are now The Ryhmer.

The Rhymer: Why am I the Rhymer?

                       Because I Rhyme all the time-er?

Oh darn 

This will harm

My name 

I can't be the same

Old Pratt

Drat!

Gallant: Cool! Find a rhyme for orange!

Jing-Mei: That's imposs-

Mandi erases her line.

Mandi: Shh. The less Pratt, the better.

The Rhymer: Sporange, torange, Horange?

Elizabeth: *Trying to sneak away* *It's hard because her hair casts enough light to power the whole Continent of Russia for a year*

Romano: Lizzie! Thought you could get away? Not so fast, because it's time to meet your parent!

Abby: That's a show, is it not?

Gallant: Yeah, so?

Abby: And so by law, according to the acts of some very lawful people at this website, anything that has a copyright, such as that show, must be stated as such a copyrighted item used without permission. Failure to do so will result in permanent banishment from the site.

Mandi: Gulp

Gallant: Since when did you get so smart?

Abby: since I read the encyclopedia of all knowledge on the bus ride here.

The Rhymer: Hey Lizzie

                      Don't get in a Tizzy

                      Romano is your man

                      And he only has one hand!

Romano: And one super cool bionic arm. *he zaps Pratt with a taser* 

Luka: Question?

Mandi: Yeah?

Luka: How did we take a bus to England? 

Mandi: It's a special Magic Schoolbus

Abby: I already went over the rules on this site. 

Mandi: Okay, Ms.Rules

Disclaimer: I do not own the show 'meet my parents' or the show 'magic schoolbus'

Mandi: Happy?

Abby: No, I'm never happy. Even when two guys hover around me, and one's rich and the other killed someone for me. I am incapable of happiness.

Mandi: Fine. I don't care. I didn't ask for your life story. Geez.

Jing-Mei, spotting Lassie's ancestor: Ooo, Lookie! A puppyyyy! Come on, Puppy, lets go meet the puppy!

Jing-Mei and Puppy run over to Lassie, who apparently is nothing like his stero-type.

He bites Jing-Mei

Jing-Mei: Help! The dog is biting me!

Gallant: He must be the evil Lassie. You know, the one who mauled Timmy and never came home?

Abby: Copyright.

Mandi: Do you want to get erased?

Abby: No Ma'am!

Elizabeth: If nobody cares, I think I'm just going to hop into this limo and – 

Romano: No, we're going in. It's time for you to teach us how do drink _tea_

Abby: I don't think Queen Susan needs any more sugar

Queen Susan: I'm the Queen! Wee! 

The Rhymer: Don't look now, but Deb's in a fight

                      She's against a dog that has a bite!

Jing-Mei: Help, this dog is biting me!

Luka: That's my cue. I will save you, Deb! And only I may get away with calling you Deb, because I'm the ruler of the world!  

Isabelle Corday: Elizabeth! So nice of you to visit! Why don't you bring your friends inside for some tea?

Elizabeth: Yes _mother_

So the crew goes in. Luka first. Abby and Susan second. Gallant is third. Romano is fourth, dragging Jing-Mei behind him. 

Jing-Mei: Help! I'm bleeding!

Abby: What should we do? We can't fixher! 

Gallant: We are doctors

Abby: I know. But we can't _fix her!_

Elizabeth: If you get blood on the rug, I'll kill you all

Luka: I am the mighty king, and I say that club soda will get any stain off! Or put a stain on! *shout out to episode No Good Deed Goes Unpunished*

The Rhymer: Norange? Worange? 

A/N: I figured out that my water was fine, I'm just insane. Oh Well. Review anyway.


	4. Chapter the Fourth: The Chaos

**Chapter the Fourth**

**A/N: **I love making the characters of ER act stupid. Its fun.

Thanks to my faithful reviewers, you know who you are. 

What's been going on: The crew is at Lizzie's mother's house, just in time for tea. 

Luka is the almighty king of ERland, Queen Susan's drunk on root beer; Abby's _not drunk on root beer and is a know-it-all, Romano has a taser, Elizabeth is going to have a breakdown, Pratt…I mean The Rhymer is an idiot, Gallant is uptight and Jing-Mei has been mauled by a Lassie look alike. All is right with the world. _

The gang of County walks into a house so big it makes Gamma's seem pathetic.

Luka is whining about that. He has Carter's lines, remember? I can't see Luka whining. Luka _broods. _

They are all standing in a large foyer complete with a crystal chandelier and priceless marble statues on narrow columns. 

Romano: Well well Lizzie, this is certainly…nice

Gallant: Wow, how much are you worth?

Romano: She's worth a lot more – 

Elizabeth: Not much…a few hundred….million

*seven jaws drop to the floor*

Abby: And you and Dr. Greene were going to get married?

Elizabeth: Why yes, if it wasn't for that thing with his head…bloody thing

Abby: You could have just bought a new boyfriend! Like, the prince or somebody

Elizabeth: I could have. Oh, why does everything bad happen to _me? _

The Rhymer: Roses be red

                      Violets be blue

                      Mark loved Lizzie

                     And she loved him too 

 Elizabeth: Right, I was supposed to be in love with him. You'll just never understand Abby. I was in _love_

Abby: And I'm not?

*Luka looks lost.*

Luka: Do I play Carter or Myself here? How is there supposed to be competitiveness if I can only be one of them?

Mandi: I'm sick of you trying to get Abby. She's not that – 

Abby: Copyright. Episode title 'The longer you stay' Luka states that I am neither pretty nor special, but I am, so he's a liar 

Luka: Am not!

Abby: Yes you are!

Luka: No I'm not!

Abby: Yes you are

Luka: No I'm not

Mandi: Yes you are. So shutup and read Carters script

Luka: Okay.

*Meanwhile, Queen Susan has wandered off down a hallway. She spots a suit of armor on the wall. Glancing over her shoulder, she hiccups and steps closer to the metal.*

Jing-Mei: I hate to be a burden to everyone, but will somebody please call off this deranged dog? 

Isabelle: Don't worry, he doesn't bite. His name is Lad. 

Jing-Mei: Oh good, he doesn't bite.

*Suddenly, clanking is heard from the hall*

Queen Susan: Ooo, check me out! I'm Lucy Knight! 

Luka: *searching through piles of script* Lu-cy…wahhhh! She's dead! My med student is dead!

The Rhymer: Hey Carter

                     You're sure not smarter

                     You can't remember her name

                     That plot was lame

                     It would have been funner

                     If there was a gunner

                     And he took over the ER

                     Then you'd be the star

                     But all stars die

                     The gunner would try –

Mandi: Enough.  

Queen Susan: This metal is heavy…*she starts to tip over*

Gallant: I will save you, fair maiden! *He catches her*

Queen Susan: Oh Gallant, you are so gallant! Put the amour on, you can be a Knight now!

Luka: Lucy…

*Gallant puts the metal on. He looks good.*

Romano, using a sword from his wonder arm: I dub thee Sir Gallant the Brave

Sir Gallant the Brave: Cool. I need a horse.

A horse appears. He has big brown eyes.

Mandi: There you go. It was a Cart-er horse, but it's a riding one now. 

Cart-er Horse: Neigh?

Sir Gallant the Brave: Onward, mighty stallion

Cart-er Horse: My contract states that I don't have to listen to med students. 

Mandi: Hmm?

Cart-er Horse: I mean, neigh. 

Abby: That horse looks familiar…nah, that must be the root beer talking

Queen Susan: You said it, sister! Hiccup! 

Sir Gallant the Brave: Tis a beautiful night for a ol' drink o' rum

Romano: Sorry, I left my Old English to English dictionary at home. Lizzie, will you translate?

Elizabeth: He wants some beer

Abby: So do I

The Rhymer: She does hear

                      He wants to ride his steer

                      To the beer

Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance we shall taste yonder tea?

Elizabeth: He says that we're having tea.

Luka: Hmmph, Gamma used to serve us _coffee_. For the _millennium_. Who drinks tea?

Elizabeth: apparently, we do. 

So, Luka leads the way to the sitting room. Sir Gallant the Brave is next, shining in armor and leading the Cart-er Horse, who is followed by Abby, who's insisting she's seen this horse somewhere. Queen Susan is skipping along drunkenly and Jing-Mei is following, dragging Lad who has his jaws clamped on her foot. Puppy is following them. Elizabeth is looking for an escape route and Romano is trying to get the jets in his Super Arm to turn off. The Rhymer is still rhyming.

*****

Now they are seated at a table, with steaming cups of tea. 

Elizabeth: The key to drinking tea is to be very elegant, you know, pinkies up!

Cart-er Horse: Uh.

Elizabeth: Try to sip _slowly _and – No, that's not right!

Sir Gallant the Brave: Pardon my asking maiden, but I do believe that tea cannot go through metal, and ergo I shan't have this tea. 

Abby: Dr. Romano, Dr. Romano! I think Cart-er horse is addicted to tea!

*Cart-er horse is snuffing the tea from his Teabucket at incredible speed.*

Elizabeth: That's the spirit, Cart-er Horse! At least somebody likes tea.

Cart-er Horse: Yeah, yeah, I do like tea. I like it a lot!

Sir Gallant the Brave: Steer o' mine, if it pleases ye to have some tea-

The Rhymer: Hey, that's my job! _I'm _The Rhymer!

Sir Gallant the Brave: Quit being such a peckerwood, yer' Rhymes are that of a child's, and if it pleases ye to act like such an oaf, then by all means, continue to be an oaf

The Rhyming Oaf: If it pleases ye

                               To have some tea

                               Steer o' mine

                               Then I'll let it be

Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance ye be court jester? 

Elizabeth: Hey, we're not in the medieval times here

Queen Susan: That why, _hiccup!, am I the queen?_

Mandi: Chapter two

Queen Susan: right! *Queen Susan stands up and waves her cup around. Some steaming hot tea hits Jing-Mei in the eye*

Queen Susan: I pronounce that we say a toaster to our hostess, Elizabeth, for being such a good pal. Hey, _hiccup, here's to you!_

*everyone raises their teacups*

Jing-Mei: Ow! I'm hurt here! I need immediate medical attention!

Luka: Stop complaining! Only I may do that! Oh, my med student…

*Romano is playing around with his Arm from The Future. He hits a button that says 'project lightsaver.' Alas, the lightsaver shoots out and manages to hit a teacup that falls into Abby's lap.

Abby: That was my tea! You imbecile! *Abby jumps up on the table, picks up the whine bottle and smashes it, so that it is now a dangerous weapon*

Abby: Wine. There's nothing it can't do. Now come here Mr. Darth Vader Wannabe!

Mandi: Hey Abby, did I just hear you say a copyright?

Abby: Oh my. Disclaimer: Darth Vader belongs to that movie/show/thing, Star Wars. 

Mandi: Good Girl. Here's a biscuit.

Abby: Too bad I can't dip it in my tea! Come here Vader!

Darth Vader: *heavy breathing* Luka, I am your father

Luka: Really? 

Darth Vader: Yes

Luka: Wow. That's a surprising new twist.

*Abby and Darth Vader fight. Darth Vader's lightsaver manages to smash into the marble bust of Elizabeth's Great Uncle Henry. Abby manages to break the chandelier.*

Isabelle: Well, you certainly have very *active* friends

Elizabeth: Yes, I suppose I do.

We fade back to see the whole scene. It looks like a zoo. Luka is pondering about his new father. Romano a.k.a Darth Vader and Abby are fighting over some spilt tea. You can't cry over spilt milk, but spilt _tea?....that's a different story._

Jing-Mei is looking a little pale as Lad and Puppy discuss different techniques of attack. Queen Susan is swaying and both she and the Cart-er horse are fighting over the Teabucket. Sir Gallant the Brave is looking brave, and a bit thirsty. The Rhymer is still puzzling over life's greatest question, why is there no rhyme for _orange_?  Elizabeth is going to have an aneurism.                      

A/N: Funny, huh? R&R!


	5. Chapter the Fifth: The End

**Chapter the fifth**

A/N: Wahoo! I made it to chapter five! It's all thanks to you reviewers. I feed off your words. You have all been incredibly kind. 

What's up? Luka has a new father. His name is Darth Vader. He looks surprisingly like a sarcastic know-it-all, no _not _Abby, whose name rhymes with 'wordano' Sort of. The Rhyming Oaf can come up with something better. I'm tired. My brain hurts.

Darth Vader and Abby are fighting over some tea that has long since been snuffed by the Cart-er Horse. Queen Susan is still hyper. She is the queen, after all. 

Jing-Mei is humming the Barney Song, but she's lost a lot of blood, so it sort of sounds like 'row row row your boat' and the ER theme song smushed together.  She is self-suturing herself. Lad and Puppy are eating biscuits. Sir Gallant the Brave is being brave. Isabelle Corday is watching as the candle tips over and the velvet curtains catch on fire. She has a delighted look on her face as Queen Susan cranks up 'Wild thing' (not owned by me) on the eight million dollar stereo set. In her drunken state, the song becomes 'tiled wing'. The Rhyming Oaf looks like he's doing rap, which is not in his contract. I promptly tie his arms behind his back and force him to read this dialogue. He's freaking out. Just kidding. I would never tie his arms behind his back. Not without doing his legs too. 

Darth Vader: Luka! Your girlfriend is trying to kill me! I am your father.

Luka: Really?

Darth Vader: I already said yes, idiot.

Luka: That's a surprising new twist

Abby: You already said that too

Luka: Uh, sorry. I'm reading my script. Apparently Carter repeats himself a lot

Mandi: Nope. I'm just trying to refresh everybody's memories

Abby: They're not fools 

Mandi: I know, but I'm being polite

Abby: You wouldn't have to refresh people if you hadn't taken so long getting this done

Mandi: I'm sorry, but I had to work around a major heat wave in my house, the fact that the internet stopped working for a week, the fact that I'm a slow typer and the fact that I'm bored with all the characters

Abby: How can you be bored with _us_? 

Mandi: It's easy

Abby: Tell me

Mandi: No

Abby: Tell me!

Mandi: No!

Abby: Fine. 

Darth Vader: Hello? I'm still here

Abby: Right! *They keep fighting*

*Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to put out the fire in the curtains with his armor. It has melted to him.*

*A painting falls to the ground*

Elizabeth: Mother, uh, do you, uh, want us to leave?

Isabelle: Why would I want that?

*A butler screams. Glass breaks. Cart-er Horse has his hoof stuck in a glass vase. He shakes it off. It hits Jing-Mei's head with a strange hollow noise.*

Jing-Mei: Ow! My head hurts. 

Abby: Too many strikes to the head can kill healthy brain cells and result in brain damage *She hits Darth Vader over the head with a wine glass*

Darth Vader: Too bad that _doesn't hurt. I'm wearing like 300 pounds of costume here. I am Darth Vader. _

*Abby throws a glass. Abby throws a bottle. Abby throws a chair. Abby throws a table. Abby must have been working out.*

*Darth Vader just stands there and notes that his Lightsaver needs to be shined. Everything has to be perfect; this is Darth Vader we're talking about.

Jing-Mei: Me loose brain cells? That's unpossible. 

Abby:  The word is _impossible. _

Mandi: I've had enough of your Booksmarts, Ms Know-it-all. 

Abby: Booksmarts is not a word

Mandi: Yes it is

Abby: No it's not

Mandi: Yes it is

Abby: No it's not. The word you are searching for is _intelligent_.

Mandi: Come again?

Abby: Intellectual, logical, bright, clever

Mandi: Booksmarts

Abby: That's not a word!

*Abby stops fighting with Darth Vader. Darth Vader goes off in search of Lightsaver Polish. He finds it in a big cupboard along with a bottle of Emmy Polish that has never been opened. He also finds a solid gold bottle cap and bronze toothpicks. Looking around, he pockets those. Darth Vader needn't be cheap when there are bronze toothpicks around. 

Abby picks up a book titled 'Alone and Depressed: How to deal. By Abby Lockhart' I don't think that will be very good. She casts it aside and pulls out another one, 'So You Think Your Boyfriend is a Horse. By Abby Lockhart' she tosses that over her shoulder. She picks up a third 'Moping: The Abby Lockhart Story.' Guess who it's by.  It is 9869 pages thick, and when she tosses it over her shoulder, it manages to hit Jing-Mei, who is wondering how she got the name 'Deb' in the first place. 

Abby takes out _another book, called 'THE Dictionary.' It makes Webster's Dictionary look like Pat the Bunny (I don't own that).* _

Mandi: When did you write all those? 

Abby: On the trip over here. What did you expect me to do? Play magnetic checkers with Queen Susan? I think not.

Mandi: Why are you so smart?

Abby: *opening the dictionary* I was always smart. The writers just made me look stupid. As my brother said in episode titled 'Insurrection', I am smarter than most of the people here. I AM smarter that ALL of the people here.

Mandi: *studying her nails* really. You don't say.

Abby: But I did say. I just did. 

Mandi: Sorry I wasn't listening

Abby: It's okay. I just said that I was smart

Mandi: Pardon? Sorry, I wasn't listening

Abby: I said I am smart!

Mandi: What?

Abby: I.Am.Smart!

Mandi: Oh cool. You wouldn't know it. Just because somebody writes four books doesn't make them a genius. I wrote this fanfiction. And apparently I'm not a genius.

Abby: I rewrote the dictionary, I put it into six different languages, I wrote new meanings, devoted a section to grammar and another to spelling. My dictionary has a thesaurus too.

Mandi: Find me a word that means 'arrogant know-it-all'  

Abby: It says here…Abby. 

Mandi: You're right. You are a genius. 

Abby: I even wrote down some medical terms in the back.

Mandi: How would you feel if I changed your name to 'Ms Know-It-All?'

Ms Know-It-All: I don't like the name, but the meaning is correct and therefore, you may use it. 

Mandi: Thanks. 

Darth Vader comes back. His Lightsaver and helmet are surprisingly shiny, and his boots are made of gold. His gloves have rhinestones on them.

Elizabeth: My, Darth Vader, you sure are…shiny

Darth Vader: Lizzie! Are you accusing me of stealing from your cabinet marked 'priceless items: do not touch'?

Elizabeth: No…

Darth Vader: *Looking at the mess that once was a house* Hmm, I think it's time for us to leave. All in favour of leaving say 'Aye' all against leaving say 'Nay'

Luka: Aye

Ms Know-It-All: Aye

Queen Susan: _Hiccup! Aye_

Sir Gallant the Brave: Aye

Jing-Mei: I

Elizabeth: Aye

The Rhyming Oaf: Aye!

                               Sky!

                               Pie!

Cart-er Horse: Neigh

*Everybody looks at Cart-er horse*

Luka: Do you want to become dog food?

*Puppy and Lad look up*

Cart-er Horse: Neigh! Neigh!!

Luka: Then say Aye

Cart-er Horse: Neigh

Luka: Say AYE!

Cart-er Horse: NEIGH!

Luka: A-Y-E

Cart-er Horse: N-E-I-G-H!

Ms Know-It-All: My proposition is that Cart-er Horse is a horse and therefore cannot speak. 

Cart-er Horse: Neigh. 

Luka: Stomp once if you want to leave

*Cart-er Horse does as he is told. He manages to step on Jing-Mei*

Jing-Mei: Ah! Me is hurt!

Queen Susan: Aw, isn't that cute? Cart-er Horse knows what you're saying! Give him a treat!

Cart-er Horse: _neigh_

Queen Susan: Aww! A horse that can understand people. 

Cart-er Horse: NEIGH! Neigh! 

Sir Gallant the Brave: Queen, tis an intelligent horse. Methinks that you are in love?

Ms Know-It-All: Back off Queenie. He's mine. Even if he's a…horse

Queen Susan: You use and abuse! You only want him because I do!

Ms Know-It-All: No.

Queen Susan: Fine. I don't want him.

Ms Know-It-All: Me neither

Queen Susan: No, wait, yes I do!

Ms Know-It-All: Me too!

The Rhyming Oaf: The Queen and the Genius want the Horse

                               Because it is Carter, of course, of course

 Luka: I though _I was Carter_

Ms Know-It-All: He's my boyfriend…horsefriend!

Queen Susan: I was here first!

Ms Know-It-All: Nuh-uh!

Darth Vader: Cat fight

Jing-Mei: Meow

*Suddenly, a boxing ring appears. The lights dim. *

Mandi: Welcome to the infamous boxing arena at Lizzie's House! 

*Wild Clapping*

Mandi: Today's fight: Who will get to be with the Cart-er Horse, who, although a horse still attracts all the attention and takes it all away from Luka!? In the red corner, we have… Ms Know-It-All!

*Wild Clapping*

And in the blue corner, we have Queen Susan!

*Wild Clapping*

Mandi: When the bell rings, these two suitors will fight for the Horse

Cart-er Horse: Neigh!!!! Neigh!!! 

*He tries to get away but Sir Gallant the Brave won't let him go*

Bell: Ding!

Mandi: It looks like Queen Susan is off to a jumping star and, oh look! Ms Know-it-all has knocked out Queen Susan with a dictionary! The horror! But wait, Queen Susan was only pretending to be dead. But, she's a little drunk, and is having a hard time standing…oh; she just fell on Ms Know-it-all! The shock! They are calling each other rude names…I think. Is obtuse a bad word?

Ms Know-it-all: Obtuse means thick-headed, dull

Mandi: Stupid?

Ms Know-it-all: Why, yes.

Mandi: I see. And Queen Susan is calling Ms Know-it-all a…what's that? Oh, hum, this is G rated. So I'll replace the words. Let's see. I'll replace all the bad words with puppy.                              

Queen Susan: You puppy!  Puppy puppy you puppy!

Ms Know-it-all: Puppy you!

Queen Susan: Puppy! Come puppy here you puppy puppy!

Ms Know-it-all: Take this, puppy! And put it puppy puppy! 

Queen Susan: Puppy this!

Ms Know-it-all: Puppy! Puppy! You puppy puppy puppy!

Queen Susan: Puppy. OW! Puppy PUPPY!

Mandi: It's amazing. After using the word 'puppy' 21 times, it has lost all meaning. I'm not sure what it means anymore. When you say it 21 times fast, it's funny!

Sir Gallant the Brave: Shall I restrain them? We shan't have war in yonder Victorian Mansion. Methinks there be glass breakables and priceless items.  

Elizabeth: Sure.

Jing-Mei: Me gets the hose!

*Water comes from everywhere, drenching the fighters. Queen Susan's tiara floats away. It was okay, because it was stolen. Ms Know-it-all's books get a little soggy.*

Ms Know-it-all: You got my books wet!

Queen Susan: My tiara is gone!

Luka: It's okay Queen Susan; you're not the real queen

Queen Susan: Yes I am

Luka: No you're not

Queen Susan: Yes I am

Luka: No, you're not. I am the queen.

*Surprised looks*

Ms Know-it-all: Uh, I…Um, there's nothing to say to that.

Darth Vader: Is there something we should know?

Luka: No. It says in my script.

Mandi: That's right

Luka: Is it a typo?

Mandi: No

Luka: Are you _sure? _

Mandi: Quite.

Luka: Well, I don't want to read this script anymore. I'm holding a rebellion!

Mandi: Sorry, that's been done. Carter already did that. 

Luka: There's just no room for Carter's shadow, is there? I toil and work and he gets the girl, he gets the credit, he gets all the lines! So I don't care! I'm holding a rebellion!

Queen Susan: Me too!

Ms Know-it-all: Me too!

Norma Rae: Me too!

Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance me ask thee, how did you get here?

Norma Rae: I don't know

Luka: You see? It's all because of these scripts! 

Norma Rae: That's it! Rebel! Rebel!

Luka: I hate this script! Darth Vader is not my father! Ms Know-it-all is not smart! Queen Susan is not the Queen!!!

Mandi: If you don't like it, why don't you do something?

Luka: I am!

Mandi: what?

Luka: I'm…uh, making a point!

*Everyone just stands there. Tumbleweed blows by. Jing-Mei coughs. Luka rustles the scripts. Cart-er Horse stomps a hoof.*

Mandi: Good point Luka. 

Luka: Fine, I'll read the script!

Norma Rae: Where am I?

Elizabeth: England.

Norma Rae: Cool.

Darth Vader: We're leaving now. We get to go back to Chicago. Want to come with?

Norma Rae: Sure!

Luka: Am I still the queen?

The Queen: No. I am. 

Elizabeth: Bloody hell! It's the Queen of England!

The Queen: Yes it is. 

Darth Vader: Hiya. Norma Rae needs a bus partner. 

The Queen: Oh, I'd be delighted to accompany you!

Norma Rae: Yea! Do you know how to play checkers?

The Queen: Know how? I'm the very best at it!

Elizabeth: Oh good Lord…

Ms Know-it-all: Why are Norma Rae and The Queen in the same story?

Luka: I told you it was these scripts.

So the troupe troops to the door. Luka, Shadow of Carter, leads the way to the yellow schoolbus. Ms Know-it-all follows him, frantically writing a complaint to the author of the dictionary (whoever that may be). Queen Susan has found that you don't need a tiara to be royally drunk. Jing-Mei is trailing behind them. Puppy trots after her. Sir Gallant the Brave is helping The Queen and Norma Rae to the bus, totally neglecting Cart-er Horse, who looks like he needs a hug. He is deprived of love.   

And he won't get any love from Elizabeth, who pushes him out the door.

The Rhyming Oaf is following, pausing at the door to thank Isabelle.

The Rhyming Oaf: Farewell

                               It was Swell

                               To Dwell

                               In your home

                               Upon the Fell

Darth Vader brands him A Loser with his Cattle branding thing, and sends him out the door. 

Darth Vader: *Glancing at the mess* Isabelle, I feel I need to pay for the mess. *Taking out an ivory checkbook that has the name Corday on it* He scribbles off a hasty amount with far too many zeros. 

Darth Vader: Thank you for the tea. *He bows to her, grabs a vase of a narrow column, and hightails it out the door.*

*Isabelle and Lad the dog wave goodbye.*

*Darth Vader is now stuck at the end of a huge lineup. People are all pushing to get into Gus's Schoolbus.*

Darth Vader: Move it people, we're not animals!

Cart-er Horse: Neigh!

Darth Vader: Well, the rest of us aren't

 Ms Know-it-all: I have come to the conclusion that we are all indeed animals. 

Sir Gallant the Brave: Tis an amazing discovery m'dear, but if ye wishes to see, ye will find that nobody appears interested

* Ms Know-it-all looks around. Everyone is already on the bus*

Sir Gallant the Brave: May I escort m'lady onto this bus?

Ms Know-it-all: What lady?

*She shrugs at him and boards the bus. Sir Gallant the Brave looks flummoxed and clanks on the bus after her. 

There is pandemonium on the bus. Queen Susan is passed out on the back seat, and Jing-Mei is freaking out because _she _wanted the backseat. Elizabeth is downing eight aspirin without water. Cart-er Horse is stuck in the aisle. He can't fit in any of the seats because he is a horse, of course.  The Rhyming Oaf is tap-dancing. He tells me it's poetry for the _soul. Now he is chained to the front seat. Luka is ripping the scripts apart. Or _trying _to. They are laminated, so that even he cannot destroy them. Norma Rae and the Queen are playing checkers. It's hard to say who won, because Norma Rae tipped over the board and demanded a mutiny against checkers.  Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to move the Horse in the aisle. Ms Know-it-all is reading. Puppy is eating stuff he found under the front seat.*_

Darth Vader: Everybody shutup! We have to do something with this Horse. 

Cart-er Horse: Neigh 

Sir Gallant the Brave: Perchance we have some rope?

Gus: We do *hands him some old rope*

Sir Gallant the Brave: We'll just tie him to the roof

*Suddenly there is an explosion from the middle of the bus*

Darth Vader: What the heck's going on?

Luka: (a bit charred) I tried to burn the scripts, but the plastic reacted with the fire, and, uh, boom! Cough!

*There is a small bonfire in the middle of the bus*

Sir Gallant the Brave: What perchance we do?

Luka: Have a barbeque?

*Everyone eyes Cart-er Horse, who neighsnervously.*

The Rhyming Oaf: We'll burn the steed

                                And we shall feed

Darth Vader: Now, we can't eat the horse. He's much too skinny. Tie him on the roof 

*Sir Gallant the Brave ties Cart-er Horse to the roof. Cart-er Horse does not look happy

When he comes back on the bus, The Queen, Jing-Mei and Darth Vader are roasting marshmallows. Jing-Mei is actually roasting a stick with a marshmallow handle*

Jing-Mei: I is gud in this

* Ms Know-it-all is about to have a breakdown*

Ms Know-it-all: There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don't want to start!

Gus: But, I do. So, if everyone would take their seats, we can go back to Chicago. 

*Elizabeth is sitting by herself. Darth Vader is examining a mink coat he just _had _to 'borrow'. The Rhyming Oaf is chained to the seat, telling Gus that 'porridge' rhymes with 'orange'. But it doesn't, so nice try Oaf. Ms Know-it-all is reading the address book. Jing-Mei is still roasting a stick. Queen Susan is sleeping. Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to calm Luka down. Luka is throwing the laminated scripts out the window. They are rubber, then glue, so they bounce right back, and stick. Puppy is fetching them for him. Cart-er Horse is thumping from the roof. The Queen and Norma Rae are playing chess.

Ms Know-it-all: I have a question for Darth Vader

Darth Vader: Yes?

Ms Know-it-all: Is your first name Darth? Or Darth Vader? Or is that a nickname?

Darth Vader: I don't know. Darth, I guess?!?

Garth Brookes: You called?

*Everyone turns to look at the strange man who appeared on their yellow schoolbus.*

Darth Vader: I meant me, Darth. Nobody called you.

Garth Brookes: Are you sure?

Ms Know-it-all: Yes

Garth Brookes: You know there's a horse tied to your roof?

Sir Gallant the Brave: Yes we know. I tied him there myself. Tis a good job. I tied triple knots.

Crowd: OooOOOoooOO!

Ms Know-it-all: How'd you get here?                                

Garth Brookes:  I climbed through a window

Darth Vader: Want to come with us?

Garth Brookes: *eying the fire, Norma Rae, and the Queen* Not really…

Darth Vader: I'll give you a brass cowboy hat!

Garth Brookes: Yeehah. I'm in.                                   

*Garth Brookes sits down beside Elizabeth*

Garth Brookes: How are you, pretty lady?

*Elizabeth snarls at him*

Garth Brookes: Okay….why is Norma Rae here?

Elizabeth: Because this plot makes no sense

Big Bird: Sure it does

Elizabeth: Who the _hell_ are you?

Big Bird: A big yellow bird. Do you have a problem with that?

Elizabeth: In England, we shoot big yellow birds

Big Bird: You shoot me; you can pay The Children's Television Workshop at PBS 13 million dollars

Elizabeth: Gladly *she takes out a rifle*

Mandi: Are you going to shoot _Big Bird_? 

Elizabeth: Yes

Mandi: You can't shoot _Big Bird! He taught me my ABC's!_

Elizabeth: And?

Mandi: *shrugging* It's not Big Bird season. It's illegal to shoot.

*Big Bird sticks his tongue out at Elizabeth*  

Elizabeth: When is Big Bird season?

Mandi: According to my calendar, December

Elizabeth: You and Me, December, one rifle, one bird

Big Bird: I'm busy then. I have to go to Vegas with the Ernie and Bert. We're getting some business taken care of

Elizabeth: You know _Ernie_ and _Bert_? I love them!

Big Bird: Want to come with us?

Elizabeth: Okay!

Gus: We will be in Chicago in ten minutes everybody, ten minutes

*The minutes fly by. Queen Susan is in dreamworld. Darth Vader is polishing his bionic arm. Luka is building a script castle. Ms Know-it-all decided to write a journal. Sir Gallant the Brave is trying to get Jing-Mei to wake up. The Rhyming Oaf is reciting 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe. Norma Rae and Garth Brookes are in deep conversation. Elizabeth and Big Bird are laughing together. Puppy is staring out the window. Cart-er Horse is ducking to avoid tunnels. 

Ten minutes later, the bus arrived back at county. Yosh and Connie watched from the window as everybody got off.

First, Luka came off, pulling a wagon with piles of scripts in it.

Then, Darth Vader?!? came out, taking off his helmet to reveal his true form…Dr. Romano! 

Next, somebody in metal came off, leading a large familiar-looking horse.

Abby came next, holding a pile of books and leading Susan, who was falling over, by the hand. 

Garth Brookes danced off the bus. His head was weighed down by what looked like a brass hat.

The Queen came out royally.

Elizabeth pulled a large yellow bird out of the bus. The bird hit it's head on the door frame. 

Dr. Pratt came out, poetrying at the top of his lungs.

Norma Rae jumped off next.

Jing-Mei came off, covered in bandages. 

Last, a scruffy Puppy jumped off.

Yosh: Some vacation

Connie: I'll say…is that The Queen?

Yosh: And Garth Brookes!!!

Connie: Next vacation they go on, I'm coming too

Yosh: You said it.

A/N:  There. It is done. I didn't know how to finish, so I just…Finished. Ta Da! 

Just for the record, this is the strangest thing ever. Big Bird is that six foot tall bird from Sesame Street. Ernie and Bert belong to Sesame Street too. They were the guys who lived in that house…you know?Sesame Street doesn't belong to me. Garth Brookes is a country singer. He doesn't belong to me. Norma Rae is a character from a movie based on real life. I own zippo. The Queen doesn't belong to me. Period. 

That was the end of 'VacationERs, trip one.'  Hope you enjoyed it. PLEASE review. If I made your day, make mine with your review. It only takes one minute.


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